I have fond memories of praying, “now I lay me down to sleep” each night before going to bed. I can still see the colorful children’s bible stories my family would read at the dinner table each night. I recall the rhythm and tone of Sunday worship services; standing to read scripture, reciting the Apostles Creed, sitting for the “long prayer” and knowing the end was near when the pastor raised his arms and pronounced the Aaronic blessing “The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace” Numbers 6:22-27.
In the fourth grade my teacher challenged her class to read the bible every night in order to win a prize. My sweet tooth was as strong as ever and I conquered that challenge easily. In sixth grade I went with my youth group to provide meals for homeless children in downtown LA. In eighth grade, while at a youth group retreat, I put my faith in Jesus for the first time. Through out high school I played the drums for my church worship team and was actively involved in youth leadership. But, It was not until my senior year of college, eight years later, that this faith that had been planted in my soul as a child, had taken root as a teen, and was watered with the prayers of my parents began to grow.
Those eight years of high school and college were long, slow, and sometimes frustrating years. I longed for a connection to Jesus that did not materialize. I struggled with guilt, doubt, pride, anger, and depression. I attempted and failed to continue the practices of prayer, bible reading, worship, and service that had begun in my youth. I hoped they would establish the connection I believed was missing.
Faith sprouted on a mission trip to Nicaragua, on which I came to the end of myself and discovered that it was my striving and self-reliance that stood in the way of honest connection with Jesus. On returning to school I found for the first time that I could read scripture and actually understand the WORD. The end of my college experience was the beginning of a faith journey that has progressed through starts and stops over the course of my adult life.
Over the last several years I have been convicted of my responsibility to pass this faith on to my children. I am overwhelmed by the enormity of the task. How can I, a father that is passionate but struggling pass on something that is so fragile and broken? At times I want to throw in the towel and succumb to the pressures of money, time, apathy, and culture.
I was reminded today of the role I play in my children’s faith development. I am called to plant seeds that the Holy Spirit cultivates into faith. I am reading, Shaped By God: Twelve Essentials for Nurturing Faith in Children, Youth, and Adults” Edited by Robert J. Keeley. Don C. Richter writes “Faith begins in practice, in words and songs and gestures and things we do with and for our bodies, with and for one another. We learn to pray by praying. We learn to serve by serving. We learn to care by concrete acts of caring.” (Keely,pg 24) I was brought back to my childhood prayers and bible stories. I was reminded of the practices that have shaped my faith over the years. In the beginning they were clumsy, with out heart, and in the case of the bible reading contest motivated by greed. These practices however having been awakened by the Spirit my senior year of college have been the soil in which my faith has grown. They have become the “means of grace to nourish and sustain the life of faith” in me. (Keely, pg 30)
I cannot awaken my children in faith, that is the Holy Spirits role but I can provide for them the raw materials of faith. I can provide experiences of prayer, worship, bible reading, and service. My hope is that these experiences will shape and inform their understanding of Jesus. I trust that they will come to know him as provider, savior, master, and king the one in whom true connection can be found.
WHAT PRACTICES HAVE SHAPED YOUR FAITH OVER THE YEARS?
HOW ARE YOU PASSING YOUR FAITH TO YOUR CHILDREN?
A few days ago I read this post entitled “6 lessons of an influence seeker. It was written mostly to people that write, speak, or teach. The idea is that if you truly want to influence people you need to do the 6 things described. The post really has nothing to do with parenting or raising a family but the more I think about it the more I hope to apply its first concept in my life.
Lesson one is “know your two great objects” the author sights a journal entry from British politician William Wilberforce that states, “God Almighty has set before me two great objects, the suppression of the slave trade and the reformation of manners [moral values].” These two objects were the driving force behind Wilberforce’s life work. Everything he did followed from these two passions.
The moment I read this quote I asked myself the question, “What are my two great objects?” A number of things came to mind right away; family, faith, and work were at the top. I tried to get more specific, what are my two great objects at work, for my family, and in my community? As I began to think more deeply I discovered that I had no clue what my two great objects were. There were lots of things that I thought were important. But I was finding it difficult to narrow down the two things that really set me ablaze, got me excited, and drove my passions. I found that so many things were important that nothing was really important.
So, I have set out to more clearly define the two great objects in these areas of my life.
I am hopeful that clarifying these objects and more intentionally focusing my energy in these areas will increase my sense of purpose and improve my ability to positively influence those around me.
Will you join me in this endeavor? Leave a comment and share your two great objects!
Sometimes I mentally rehearse how I would respond if my family were in danger. If an intruder broke into my home what would I do? If we were attacked on the street would I be courageous enough to protect them? I am not sure what gets me thinking about these things, and many times I try to put them out of my mind. Today however, I watched the documentary Bully directed by Lee Hirsch, this film has got me stirred up again, but this time it is more disturbing.
In my fantasies of family danger I am powerful, swift to action, and able to put myself in the place of my children when they are in danger. Bullying is a much different beast. Those who bully tend to be more covert, they have practiced and honed their skills, and many times they are bullied themselves. The problem with bullying is how powerless adults seem to be in protecting those who are bullied.
Bullying usually does not occur when adults are around, adults cannot sweep in and meet might with might. In many cases, as depicted in the film all adults can do is talk with the one who is bullying. They sit in an office and rationalize about kindness, respect, friendship, and permanent school behavioral records. It all just seems very weak and vividly demonstrates a universal principle that adults hate to admit.
“ADULTS CANNOT CONTROL THE ACTIONS OF CHILDREN”
I think we hate to admit it because of how scary it is. Aside from physical coercion we have absolutely no control over the behavior of children. I cannot make my son clean his room, do his homework, be kind to the neighbor, or apologize to his brother. Children tend to behave based on what they perceive will get them the thing that they want. Many times we adults do not understand the pay off for a child’s behavior and therefore fail to find a way to change it.
I think one solution to this problem is to stop trying to control something that we cannot. We cannot control a child’s behavior so let’s give it a rest. Let’s be real and honest with our kids. Let’s end the charade we have been perpetrating all these years and tell them the truth.
“SON, YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN CONTROL YOUR ACTIONS”
I believe that when we let go of attempting to control our children they will become better citizens. Please do not misunderstand me I do not think children should be allowed to do whatever they want, have no rules, and no responsibility. I believe that adults should set the structure and expectations for behavior so that WHEN the child crosses the line appropriate and logical consequences follow. Adults have fallen into the trap (myself included) of wanting to control a child’s behavior in order to get a certain outcome. This outcome based parenting sends the message that adults control the child’s behavior; I want to send the message that kids are in charge of their behavior. They are able to choose their actions and the consequences that follow are part of their choosing. When adults control behavior, children can blame the adults for the following consequences both good and bad. When children control behavior the consequences are theirs, they own them. These owned consequences are the powerful payoff that reinforces or discourages certain behavior. This is how children learn that they can make life what they want it to be. In the long run children that know they are in control of themselves are children that step up to stop bullying. These type of children will “Be More Than Bystanders” by engaging in the following activities
- Be Their Friend
- Tell a Trusted Adult
- Help Them Get Away
- Don’t Give Bullying an Audience
- Set a Good Example
Bullying is a very difficult problem. Solutions must be long term rather than short term. All adults must play a role in protecting and empowering children at school and in neighborhoods. A first line defense is to remember that children are in charge of their own behavior. We want them to be in charge of their actions because when they are in charge they are actively choosing what they want life to be.
For Further reading on how to empower children to stop bullying visit stopbullying.gov
Have you or your kids ever been bullied, how did you respond?
Play is the language of a child, it is the expression of inner most thoughts, feelings, and desires. Or is it?
I was playing dolls with my daughter the other day and found myself reflecting on the meaning of her play. We were alone in the playroom and she brought me her doll over and over again asking (without words) that I swaddle it in the small blanket like I had swaddled her when she was an infant. She would pick it up and nearly fall over from the weight and size of her child. She mimicked the back and forth rocking of “rock a by baby” and eventually rocked so hard that the doll fell to the ground while rolling out of the blanket. She gathered the doll into her arms and slammed it into the tiny wooden crib, making a loud smacking sound as the head knocked against the side rail.
I found myself analyzing her play. Does she completely lack empathy? Is this play a sign that she will grow up to be a bad mother? What if she has no ability to care for others? My thoughts began to race, and the “parents worst fear” meter was redlining. As I continued to watch and observe I stopped analyzing her play and began analyzing the meaning I ascribed to her play.
I found that I was thinking like an adult. I was observing her play and assumed that she was doing what she was doing for the same reasons an adult would be doing it. An adult that drops a baby or slams it into a crib does so because of a lack of empathy, inability to care, and probably anger. So, of course that must be why she was doing.
OR PROBABLY NOT!!
I began to think more about the meaning that adults ascribe to a child’s play. Is the meaning that I interpret the same as what the child hold in their mind? I remembered back to several articles I had read about children being suspended from school because of play deemed inappropriate by school administrators. Both instances involved young children and make shift guns. One involved pointing a pencil at another student like a gun and the other involved chewing a pop tart into the shape of a gun.
I tend to get pretty frustrated with these situations in which play is criminalized. It seems to me that children are being punished based on the projected fears of adults. Do we really believe that a pencil is dangerous for other children? I wonder if these decisions come from fears of what our children might become. At some point we just have to laugh at these ridiculous stories but I wonder when we adults will realize that children do not think like us? I wonder how the world would be different if adults could play like a child? What if adults were less fearful and more adventurous like children? Oh what fun we might have!
Read Angry Art
One of the most important aspects of holding a child involves emotions. A child will feel held when their parent is able to contain the powerful emotions of the moment. A child will feel dropped when the parent is either overwhelmed by or unresponsive to the child’s emotions.
I readily admit that I tend to drop my children when they are feeling powerful emotions. At times I feel too busy, too tired, or just plain sick of dealing with the chaos. The truth is unfortunately that in these moments I am more concerned about my own feelings than I am about my child’s. I have become overwhelmed with what is going on in me, and do not have the capacity to deal with what is happening in my child.
I just read a nice article titled Attunement Parenting The New Attachment Parenting and was reminded that my ability to contain my child’s emotions is directly correlated to how well I am taking care of myself. In other words my ability to handle my son’s anger is impacted by my ability to handle my own anger. Arriving home from work frustrated from the day significantly impacts my interactions with my children. I must do a good job of taking care of my self in order to take care of my children.
I struggle with this, I tend to give, give give, and then give out. I wear myself to the bone, attempting to be the best parent I can be, constantly striving to meet everyone of my child’s needs, never allowing my self to be distracted from the task of engaging in their lives. THIS IS EXHAUSTING!! It is not possible to be the perfect parent, it is not possible to meet every need, and it is not possible to engage at every moment.
I have learned that I need time to refuel. I am a very reflective person, and when I have neglected the time I need to slow down, and think I become short tempered, impatient, and depressed. I am thankful for the reminder that it is OK to do something that I enjoy. I am allowed to put the headphones on and listen to my favorite album. But where does one draw the line? How much parenting is enough? And is it possible to measure up?
How do you RE-FUEL as a parent? Where do you draw the Line?
Psalm 18:16 He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters. He rescued me from my powerful enemy, from my foes, who were too strong for me.
I have recently begun to view HOLDING my children as so much more than just physically carrying them. Holding has become something that is physical, emotional, and psychological.
Two summers ago for about 2 hours my son thought that he was dead! It was a beautiful day. My wife and I took our family to a community swimming area, we were able to relax and watch our kids swim with their older cousins. Near the end of our time at the lake two of our sons approached us in the water. The older one appeared completely calm and said, “Dad I was freaking out!” The other was literally freaking out; he was yelling, screaming, and crying. Apparently one of his siblings had taken a water toy from him and he was very upset. My wife and I both gravitated to the screaming child. We acknowledged the older one but picked up, consoled, and helped to manage the screaming one. Both children moved on and we left the lake a short time later. As we arrived home my wife and I remarked to each other how enjoyable the day had been and what a fun time we had had.
The older cousins joined us at our house and we settled the children downstairs to watch a movie. As my wife and I discussed the enjoyable afternoon, our older son came upstairs noticeably upset. He was in tears and could hardly speak through his emotions. He climbed into my lap and I attempted to understand what was going on. He explained in short tearful phrases that he was afraid he had died. Slowly the story of his “freaking out” emerged. He explained that he was playing on the floatilla of fun in the deep end of the lake. He saw an older kid with no life-jacket on swim underneath an inflatable “bridge” that was about 3 feet wide. We had told him previously to never swim under this bridge. As he saw the older kid do it with such ease however, he decided to give it a try. In his attempt to swim under the bridge he plunged his head under the water and swam with all his might expecting to resurface on the other side. His life jacket forced him to the surface earlier than anticipated and became caught on a seam of the rubber floatilla. In realizing he was not going to make it he freaked out and attempted to return from where he had come. He said that he had to swim as hard as he could to release himself from the bridge before he popped up above the surface gasping for air.
I was shocked by his story and confused by his concern about being dead. It seemed that although he had escaped drowning he was afraid that what he was now experiencing was death. I was freaking out and feeling overwhelmed at the outcome that could have devastated this beautiful day. I had failed at this moment to physically protect him and it was now time to emotionally and psychologically HOLD him.
I stumbled about attempting to elicit his entire story while simultaneously working to maintain my composure. Praise the Lord he was safe! But what is a parent to do?
After two years of on and off again reflection regarding this very scary experience I have deciphered what has become my way of HOLDING to protect from harm.
My son climbed up into my lap to tell his story, he desired physical closeness as well as strength to contain the convulsions and shakes of his emotionally charged body. Physical proximity during times of fear and pain can be very comforting to children. The natural rhythms of a parents breathing, heartbeat and voice serves to calm and regulate. I have learned to become more open to physical contact. Whether it’s holding hands, scratching a back, or applying sunscreen holding touch is a crucial ingredient in protecting a child from present and future harm.
My son was overwhelmed with emotion. He could not contain his feelings of fear, and uncertainty. He needed a parent to be a container for these overflowing emotions. As emotion pours out of a child and into the parent he needs to feel that the parent can handle it. The parent can manage his own emotions in the face of the child’s very powerful emotions. My son was also confused about what had happened. Emotional holding helps a child to make sense of confusing emotions and circumstances. Emotional holding seeks to fully understand the experience of the child without judgment. For the child telling the story enables him to make sense of the experience.
In the weeks following this incident I began to wonder if it might impact him long term. He loved to swim, but would he refuse to get back in the water? Would he have nightmares, irrational fears, or ongoing questions about death? I continued to talk about the situation hoping to communicate that it was ‘ok’ to talk about and that recurring thoughts were normal. At one point he stated that he thought about it often, so I wondered about his thoughts and even consulted a therapist. Psychological holding is being your child’s therapist. It is knowing when to talk and when to listen. It is knowing when to seek outside help for your child and possibly for yourself. Psychological holding is a parent’s ability to know a child in their mind, and heart. It is the ability to mentalize the child’s inner experience and respond appropriately.
My son is OK, we talk about this day every once in a while but mostly it is just part of his story. As his parent I am reminded that I cannot protect him from every danger, but that HOLDING him can help him to get through the scary things he encounters in life. I can be his secure base to which to return when times get rough and life is difficult.
What scary/painful things have your kids experienced and how did you help them through it? What was the hardest part about helping them through this difficult time?
“Do you feed your kids crack?” The Sunday school teacher asked. “Oh… no, they are pretty energetic though aren’t they” I laughed. I entered the room to gather my three boys while one of them was sliding head first down the plastic slide, the second was leaning off the edge of the fort as though it was a ship at sea, and the third was chasing a girl around the room. I quickly gathered my clan rushed them off to the car and buckled them in their seats. My main thought on that day was, “my boys require a lot of structure.” We headed home and I chalked it up to another day in the life of a high-energy family.
A few weeks later I started to think about the question that this teacher posed to me. Like many things the more I thought about it the more frustrated I became. Don’t get me wrong I am the first to admit that my boys are active. They love to run, jump, wrestle, and get dirty. I am also the first to state however that I have great children and this is where the frustration came in. I started to wonder what this teacher thinks of my boys. My guess based on her question is that she views them as out-of-control, untamed, crazy, or scary.
I know that ultimately it does not matter what this person thinks about my children. I believe strongly however, that the way we experience children is the way they experience themselves. So, if this teacher experiences my children as crazy, out-of-control, or scary then that may be the way that they feel in her presence. I begin to wonder if she is overwhelmed by their energy. I sense that maybe she does not know how to contain them or is unsure of how to discipline them. If I were honest with myself I would admit that at times I feel these things. I feel overwhelmed, out-of-control, and scared of someone getting hurt.
Unfortunately when I feel these ways I tend to rely on my more primal parenting skills. Sometimes this includes yelling, sometimes annoyed tones of voice, other times checking out. Of course these skills do not work very well and actually communicate even more firmly to my children that I cannot handle them. I wonder what it feels like to my children when I am out of control? How do they feel when I am yelling, using my annoyed voice, or checked out?
At times I can see the answers on my sons face. The feeling seems to be either hurt or humiliation, whatever it is I know it when I see it. In my best moments I slow down, apologize, and acknowledge my mistake. In my worse moments I move on without giving it a second thought feeling justified in my frustration.
My sons truly do require a lot of structure. I find that things go better when I provide simple activities to help provide this structure. It might be playdoh, drawing, coloring, a task, or a walk. No matter what it is when I take action and help to structure the time they respond well. The best part is that in most cases when I start the activity and engage with them for a short time I can leave the activity and they will remain engaged beyond the time of my involvement. The hard part is staying calm, remembering that they need the structure and providing it before I become overwhelmed and out of control.
One thing that I have learned to do when things get tense at my house is to ask myself, “What do they need from me right now?” Many times the answer is structure and when I provide it things seem to calm down, and so do I.
What activities do you use to provide structure for your children?
Chopper Poppa is Kyle Bradford a father of two. He is passionate about his children and fatherhood. He recently invited me to join him for his podcast Fatherhood Wide Open. We discussed a post I had written when I first started my blog. “The Fortress of Solitude” was a post I wrote while thinking about what it means to be a man and how I can best influence my boys to reaching this ideal. Kyle and I discussed the difference between authentic manhood and a facade of manliness designed to emotionally isolate oneself from others. We discussed how parents unintentionally lock their boys into a fortress of solitude and some important ways to protect them from relational isolation. Follow the link below to hear more of the discussion.